Monday, August 24, 2009
The Underwriters Blog (Why Atlanta is Dying)
I tell you, oh my brothers and sisters, the times, they are a'changin' around this beeaieyach. So let me begin by saying that I hope you had a great Thanksgiving, and I hope that you're not only thankful for that gluttonous meal you ate Thursday afternoon with your fat-ass family, but you're also in the spirit of giving something to those who might be in worse need than you this winter. Keep in mind that I'm not a fan of baseless charity; I prefer that people find something that they love and want to see bettered through personal investment. Deserving a gift is the ideal. But let's be fair; we're in a recession and there are hungry and cold people out there who may have fallen through the cracks under Georgia Bush's reign of terror on the American government. Prayer helps, but action is necessary in these times. Let's all pitch in. Speaking of Georgia, since it is one of the states that I represent through my honorary position as Senator to the southern tri-state area of Tennessee, Alabama and Georgia, and I do most of my business in Atlanta, let me keep it ultra gutter and tell you what's really hood in the city that made me. Here, as food for thought, are the top 30 reasons why the City of Atlanta is pretty much dead. Listen to me now; believe me later on. THE UNDERWRITER'S TOP 30 REASONS WHY ATLANTA IS DYING OFF: 1. Shakir Stewart's death (R.I.P.) 2. T.I. going to jail 3. Luda going Hollywood 4. Gucci Mane in jail 5. Young Jeezy cooling off 6. Soulja Boy 7. Jermaine Dupri running a club & destroying Janet's career at once 8. L.A. Reid in the Hamptons 9. 1/2-ass Janelle Monae project management by Bad Boy 10. Lil' Jon M.I.A. 11. Hot 107.9's A-Team fired; replaced by Ricky Smiley 12. Maurice Garland M.I.A. since 11/5 13. Gyant gaining fame 14. No clear cut female rap queen/leading lady 15. Jax death (R.I.P.) 16. DJ Drama still in legal limbo 17. Killer Mike fadeaway 18. Usher in career limbo 19. Dallas Austin on permanent vacation 20. Alfamega 21. Kaya becomes Club Vision, then torn down for Trump condos 22. The death of Freaknic (R.I.P.) 23. Mike Vick not coming back 24. Traffic 25. Price of a$$ & foreclosures ^; local economy & city budget down 26. Continued water (& weed) drought 27. Polow Da Don recent brick marathon 28. Still no Real World Atlanta 29. Chicago's comeuppance 30. No alcohol sales on Sunday except clubs & restaurants To be certain, there is only one hope... The Dungeon Family. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. Anybody who has been here since the mid-90s can tell you that even moreso than Dallas and Jermaine and only second to LaFace, the DF made Atlanta cool, so only they can reinstitute the groove and save the city. If that fails, expect me to speak to you from New York or Los Angeles in 2010. Fortunately, there are three OutKast projects and one GOODie MoB. album on the way. Thank God. Shout to the homie Dallas in town for Turkey weekend.